40th Birthday

I saw the movie Shirley Valentine, some 20 years ago.  I dont know why but it really affected me on a deep level, so much so, that I developed a game plan there and then that when I turned 40 (which seemed like an eternity away) I wouldnt celebrate like an old person, letting the day go by like "another birthday" but I would celebrate being fabulous at 40 (which I assumed I would be) and I would do as Shirley Valentine did - I would celebrate in Greece, specifically I would be there with my nearest and dearest and we would all skinny dip in the Agean sea at 12.02am, on the morning of my 40th.

It turned out to be completely different. 

The most celebratory thing I did was to buy MYSELF a bottle of Veuve Clicquot French Champagne...which I didnt drink.  In fact this morning when I went out on the porch there was the box, sitting there ontop of the pantry. 

Birthdays in general tend to be on the sucky side for me.  Its my own fault.  I set my own expectations way too high.  I remember my thirtyith birthday arrghhh...I was living in Christchurch, I was seperated, my best friend (who was the only person I knew in the town I just moved to) had moved so I was completely alone.  Thirty.  Its a big birthday right?  I ended up sitting propped up against a tree in Hagley Park drinking some kind of hard liquor that was camoflaged in a paper bag, and crying.  The heaving, really ugly crying - it was a full on pity party and a really sad state of affairs.  I was so lonely, my life was falling apart and 9/11 had left a massive hole in my heart.  So....as you might imagine, I really really thought that after a decade things would be much more dazzling on my birthday.

I ended up in Sequim instead of Mykonos.  Till the last minute it looked like it was going to be spent watching Mamma Mia (savor the irony, its set on a Greek Island!) on a 14 inch telly in a room of the Econolodge Sequim but we actually did end up going "out"....to seven cedars casino.  So instead of breathing fresh sea air it was stale smoky casino air, instead of sipping ouzo it was a overly sweet margarita, instead of eating Greek delicacies it was 1/2 a bacon cheeseburger at 11.45pm.  I tried my best to be chipper but this really was very divorced from my vision of celebrating my 40th.

"....but wasnt your birthday months ago...like, September?" you might ask... Yes, yes, it was...and I know that that was a while ago but dang!  Seeing that bottle on the top of the pantry this morning brought back all of the disappointment and bitterness to the forefront again.  Thats the reason im writing about it.  Im need to let go of it and let go of all the feelings associated with it.

So tonight, Im going to have a mini micro version of a celebration.  I just asked the hubs to put the veuve in the fridge.  Tonight is "prep night" for our annual Christmas Cocktail Party where we celebrate our friends and family.  We make all the appetizers and special drinks and decorate the house all pretty.  Its usually a lovely lovely time and I am sure this year will be no different.  So I figure nows as good a time as any to release my concerns and move on in perfect fashion - while making a million cake pops with Tadpole I will be sipping veuve and I intended on finishing at least half the bottle with him.